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I have been known to speed up slow answerers by grabbing the back of their jeans with one hand and the back of their hair with another, and re-introducing them to the front walk...Don't lie, and speak swiftly and don't say "ummmm" ... Schizophrenia may very well run in families, they're not quite sure...He is hurrying as fast as he can, and he's not only driving you, he's buying your movie ticket.

I have no real problems with your basic pierced eyebrow, nose, lip, tongue or belly button, honest, but be aware that, with only the most helpful of intentions, I also have a rather large pair of pliers in my toolbox. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son.

If I have any say at all in the kind of ladies (note: I said “LADIES”) my boys bring home to date, they must follow mama’s very simple rules.

For goodness sake, if you aren’t really a lady, at least pretend to be one around me.

Sweetie, you will not ask him to take you on any little side trips to anywhere, especially the mall, where he will be expected to tag along after you as you use him first as your personal chauffeur, then as your bearer for your packages. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with breasts hanging out, and looking like you are trying out for a job with Hugh Heffner, and I will not object.

He has his heart and soul wrapped up in taking you out, for whatever reason that may be, and he has a heart of gold, very simply, you will not take advantage of him. And therefore, I simply will not hustle your shapely little behind down my front steps to dump you in the trunk with your precious packages and UPS the entire bundle to Tibet, either... However, in order to ensure that your shirt actually does not expose any unintended flesh, I will feel free to helpfully use my hot glue gun to fasten it to your midriff and or chest. Should you show up with your face painted garish colors and reeking of perfume like the Whore of Babylon, I will take great pleasure in helpfully introducing you to a scrub brush and a bar of Lava soap...

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